how to be a good customer.

- Tipping is not optional when you're getting table service. It may be more so in a cafe, but if your barista is friendly and your drink tastes good, not tipping is stingy -- at best.

- Jokes about how your barista is raking in the dough because the little jar is full of singles aren't really funny. Chances are they're walking home with 20 bucks and trying to figure out how to buy groceries with that.

- Anyone who's ever had a 'service' job thinks you're a jerk if you don't tip, including your favorite cute barista/waiter/bartender.

- Throwing money on the counter / slamming down your credit card is rude. Just hand the girl/dude your money, alright?

- no you can't cut in line because you're "just" getting soda or coffee.

- making the amount of your 'total' credit card transaction an even dollar amount by tipping like 26 cents is unhelpful. sorry. i know you're trying.

- it's never, ever okay to not have enough money for what you're ordering, even if it's a coffee refill. your server does not want to 'loan' you a quarter. we're trying to get four so we can have a dollar more for our gas bill. it's your responsibility to pay for your stuff. c

- talking on your cell phone during your transaction is the rudest, crappiest, most disrespectful thing that you could possibly do to your server.

- walking up to a counter and saying a single word: "latte." "beer." "bagel." makes you sound like an asshole and is just going to lead to blank stares and half a dozen follow up questions. Try saying hello and asking for what you want in question form. You'll probably find a much friendlier face that way.

to be continued in illustrated children's fable form on some later date.